Or, How Feminists Bully Other Women
Or, How To Ensure You'll Be Alone, Ugly and Bitchy by the time you reach 50.
Being female, I am reasonably qualified to speak on the subject of feminism and how feminists have been bullying other women for more than 40 years... and because I am in my early/mid 40's, born in the early 1960's.
While I was raised by pretty traditional parents, I lived during a time when women were burning their bras, demanding equal pay for equal work and aborting their babies on demand. We young women were told that we had been oppressed and supressed by men for too long and women's rights were our legacy. Men had been manipulating us for years in order to get what they wanted - they always got what they wanted, and we women got nothing. We deserved equality; it was our entitlement.
By the time I entered college, I thought I was a feminist. I was young, spirited, in control of my own destiny, and headed for a career in politics (men have jobs, women have careers). I told anyone who would listen that I didn't want to have children nor did I even need a husband. I shacked up with a boyfriend in college, later marrying him. I competed with him every step of the way.
Remember, as woman, I deserved everything he had.
But I was miserable and very confused. By the fifth year of our marriage, I had softened a bit and we had a child. But I still thought I should be able to have it all... baby, husband, career, nice house, nice cars, travel etc...
We separated and divorced. I was 28 with a 14 month old child, a job, a house, and now alone. Where were my feminist friends? Why hadn't they told me of the downside to being a feminist; that all feminists end up divorced, unhappy, and searching for some guy to blame (...alone, unless they are married to an insipid lily-livered wimp). I am not blaming my feminist pursuits exclusively for the failure of my marriage , but my feminist mindset made me have unrealistic expectations of my husband and my marriage.
For twenty years, I along with most other young women had been bullied by female teachers, neighbors, family friends, my mother and her friends, the news, fashion magazines - everywhere I looked as a young girl and woman, I had been told that unless I demanded everything men had, I would be untrue to myself, and non-supportive of all women. Even my mother bought into much of this garbage, telling me that regardless of who I married, I needed a career, at least to fall back on... just in case I divorced. Like her, I guess. Just before she and my father divorced (at her insistence), she became a career real estate agent and stopped being a wife and mother.
Divorce changed my tune and I quickly changed - or grew up. I didn't get married to get divorced; I was ashamed. I finally accepted the fact that I am a female and very different from my male counterpart. I saw life quite differently from then on. I embraced being a mother. I took a job that allowed flexibility when I needed to take time off because of my child's needs. I stopped the pursuit of me, my goals, my job, my career, and started appreciating my friends who had decided to be stay-at-home-moms. Previously I had been one of the young women who criticized them. It embarasses me to admit that today.
But now, as a 4o-something woman, I see that Feminists are those angry middle-aged women you meet who have no husband - he left because she was such a bitch and treated him like dirt for all of their marriage. These women never grew out of their selfish pursuit of feminism. They have only themselves (and the feminist movement) to blame. This is why they form women's groups - they need to stick together. These women dress ugly, are angry and mean, bash and blame men for everything wrong with their lives, scowl most of the time, are usually overweight, frumpy and don't take care of themselves. And worst of all, they live alone or allow their adult children to live with them. My neighborhood is full of them.
My husband and I made a deal when we found each other sixteen years ago: We agreed to never spend one night apart, and to be partners. We are pretty traditional for being a remarried couple... but we learned the hard way the first time. We don't take girls weekends or guy trips. We don't ever look for excuses to be apart. It's working - beautifully.
While still in college, I was required to take an upper division class outside my major. I took this class that sounded interesting... Victimless Crimes, in the Women's Studies Department. Oh my gosh. The class was taught by a militant lesbian and the subject of victimless crimes was exclusively rape. And we know that all lesbians believe that sex between a man and a woman is rape. This is essentially what the teacher focused on for an entire semester.
Each job I have taken in my career, I have encountered bias and oppression, but not the kind the feminists talk about. Usually, it is from other women, and usually the older, unattractive ones. Men for the most part are easier to work with. And anytime I've ever had trouble with a man in the workplace, I've taken care of it myself. Women on the otherhand are jealous, bitchy, manipulative, sneaky and as territorial as any male I've ever worked with. The feminists who whine about male-bias and oppression should look in the mirror... they're usually the perpetrators.
For a closer look into the feminist mind set, visit a few of these sites. You'll ask yourself, who are these people and how can they actually believe this stuff?
Feminist.Com
NOW
Feminist Women's Health Center (woman-speak for abortion)
Equality Now
Girl Power (This site is sponsored by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to help encourage and motivate 9- to 14- year-old girls) to do what?
Advancing Women
EVE Online (Learn all about ecofeminism)
Men for Change Oh boy, now these are guys I want to know.
Guerilla Girls (www.guerillagirls.com) "Some might think their posters are too "in your face," but others would say these easy to understand, bold colored posters are only "telling it like it is." The Guerilla Girls are a group of women artists who use posters and street actions to spread information about male-bias in the world of art museums, women's oppression in the workplace. (still whining about male-bias and women's oppression?)
Feminists for Life - Women Deserve Better better than what?
Feminists For Free Expression A group of diverse feminists working to preserve the individual's right and responsibility to read, listen, view and produce materials of her choice. What women can't read, listen view and produce materials of her choice? sounds like a waste of time to me.
*****
Sadly, no one is addressing how feminists abuse their power, particularly in the workplace by holding employers and coworkers hostage out of fear of a harassment lawsuit. These angry women abuse coworkers verbally and mentally, extort their bosses and leave a wake of destruction in the workplace no one can repair. And they know it.
The time has passed to call these women out on their boorish, bad behavior. And the excuse of hormones is getting old... kind of like their ugly, graying haristyles.
***********
The truth is that many women have come to see the feminist movement as anti-male, anti-child, anti-family, anti-feminine. And therefore it has nothing to do with us. - Sally Quinn
26 comments:
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Whoa! I think that your words sum up my feelings in many ways FJ. Years ago while in high school the same old garbage was spouted to me by some teachers. Funny how I realized that none of these teachers had healthy relationships with men and they were all bitter. I hate that. I asked one of my sisters where in the Constitution is there a privacy right and she couldn't say, simply that it is there. These sicko psycho baby killers are a bane in our society and their campaigns of misinformation are quite disturbing. The only thing I can think to do is to be honest and loving with those types but stand my ground, when I have to interact with them.
Some of the links you provided are downright scary, and it hurts to think that feminism was in some sense about levelling the playing field NOT man hating.
I am really bothered when I read some of the women's studies rhetoric from radical feminist lesbians because of the fact that they have internalized all of this man hatred and hatred of the patriarchy and hatred of anything that is STRUCTURE in our society.
All the while they are scandalously advancing their man and baby hating agendas in our public schools and elsewhere. That Rosie post you did was on the money, she is somewhat hypocritical and I have very little respect for her. Oh I am rambling. Stay on fire FJ and keep this up. When I am feeling gutsy I might show your post to my 15 year old niece who is battling against moonbat oppression in SF;)
Thanks Mahndisa. Anything you can do to give your niece a warning about these people will only help her future endeavors.
That was a very good post. I must have been lucky, as I had parents that missed the baby boomer generation, because they were older than it, and never subscribed or paid attention to it, and raised us instead.
Interesting to read from someone else's experience.
Jen,
The whole point of feminism is to give women control over their own lives. Feminism doesn't care if you want to be a mother, child free, single, married, lesbian, hetero, celibate, monogamous, promiscuous, a homemaker, a career woman, a maid or a CEO. What feminism cares about is that you had the CHOICE to do whatever you WANT TO DO.
I'm glad you found your own path and that you are happy doing what YOU WANT TO - that's what feminism is all about.
Congratulations! You ARE a feminist.
Jen,
my mother lives in berkeley and is sort of the type you describe, though she is married and not miserable.
funny, one comment said you are a feminist because you are doing what you want. Sort of like being a peaceful muslim I guess. Not you.
that being said, it wasn't that long ago women couldn't make those choices. I guess the over reaction of those frumps did at least accomplish something.
finally though, many women have realized that you can be sexy and feminine, and work, and if you do as good of a job, why should you get less?
the pendulem is swinging back towards common sense, at least for some.
good post.
comments posted by Treo.
Call me a feminist if you want, however I will not call myself one if it leads anyone to believe I am associated with the feminist movement of today. Perhaps the movement at one time had a purpose, but today there is no need... kind of like labor unions... but that's another post.
Jen,
Thank you for such a brave post. It ought to be required reading in high schools. And women's studies programs in college should be eliminated (black studies,hispanic studies gay/lesbian studies,... too).
I've become a fan of Doctor Laura and her commonsense advice. I love the change in Tammy Bruce who was a NOW leader and has become an anti-feminist (with a gun).
The feminist movement achieved its legitimate aims years ago and now resembles the jesse jackson wing of the black movement -- all rage and victimhood.
Keep up the good work, gal-pal.
Bill
I agree Bill about Dr. Laura and Tammy Bruce. What's lacking in the "feminist movement" besides substance is any common sense. It's pure entitlement and a whole bunch of whining.
As a 50 something American male I can remember entering business in the 70's. Elevators were often a source of stress. Sometimes I was cursed by harsh feminist females for pausing to let them out ahead of me. Other times I was lectured by older males when I exited ahead of the females. It was hard to win during the transition. Nowadays, I always stand in the back of the elevator to avoid the issue entirely!
This is all so tragic. One thing I noticed was the cheapening of marriage. I was married int the early 70's and it was not the same cause for respect and celebration that my own parents had in the 40's. In fact, there was a constant sneering and undermining of marriage at the time. SOmeone asked me why we didn't just live together, instead. Feminists told us that it was better to be divorced than to be arguing. I found that to be a lie. Children and parents always benefit from a marriage that stays together. Just because someone argues does not mean that the marriage is weak. Feminists tried to analyze through magazines and colleges the strengths and weaknesses of marriage, and I found that all the reasons for divorce that they presented, my own parents had in their marriage, yet they stayed together over 50 years. Another thing I noticed that was the outcome of feminism was the behavior or girls towards boys. In the 50's when I was little, the young men and women going to high school liked each other, dressed up for each other, and tried to impress each other and be nice and polite and respectful to each other. It was a privileged to be liked by someone and to maybe one day be the wife of a nice guy. Now you can observe the young people walking around campuses and they don't have any spark or any kind of interest in each other. It is so strange to see.
"The whole point of feminism is to give women control over their own lives."
And what about the lives of their families and children? All of that took a backseat to ME ME ME!!! The results of all this egocentric self-absoprtion are now staggering - 1/3 of all American babies (and 2/3 of Blacks) are now born to single moms and the divorce rate is 50%, not to mention lowered marriage rate in general. Meanwhile, spinsterhood is way up as well as STDs and STD-caused infertility.
Good goin' gals - you've surrre come a looong way, baby!
As was said, it's all "all rage and victimhood" now - completely socially destructive and not constructive at all.
For all its flaws and warts, benevolent patriarchy was FAR better than TOXIC MATRIARCHY. At least men took responsibility for their duties and welfare of their families and country! Instead of gabbing about the latest sex toy or shoes like on "Sex In The City!"
THANKS FETCHING JEN for thinking outside the box here and writing the best real-life article on feminism I've read...perhaps ever? I wish every brainwashed young woman today would READ THIS before it's TOO LATE!!!
You keep mentioning that feminists are unattractive, but I don't understand what that has to do with your argument.
You need to realize that being a feminist isn't about burning bras and getting the same treatment as men, but that we the CHANCE to have it. We do deserve equal pay and equal laws. And you were an early 2nd wave feminist. Feminism has changed so much since that time. I admit that the old type of feminism made women feel forced to be supermom or superwomen, but today, it's not just about balancing a career and motherhood, but being able to choose it if you like. I also am curious if in your first marriage, if you took on all the household chores and child rearing in addition to your career. Feminism isn't about women doing all the work to bring in equality but about changing the entire social system that doesn't automatically assign predetermined roles based on anatomy, and that means men need to help out too.
I understand that you are bitter because you want to balme your initial ideology but before you bash feminism, I hope you realize that the definition has changed. We are working on getting equality because regardless of what you say, women who want it, deserve it.
I also read one of your comments how you don't want to be a part of today's feminist movement and how you think there is no need. But what about the constant bickering over reproductive rights and the fact that women only make 70 cents to the dollar a man gets paid? What about the women who get maternity leave but their husbands don't get paternity leave? What about the intersexed, homosexual, and transsexual people who are fighting against discrimination? What about in court cases about rape that bring in a woman's sexual past as a way to discredit her? What about biology books that claim the "sperm are remarkable in the way a man can ejaculate 200 million" while the woman's eggs is seen as "wasteful" because she only produces one a month and the rest degenerate after menopause? Especially when the sperm should be seen as wasteful since there is overproduction and only one is needed? Why is it that sperm are seen as active? What about the sexism that still exists?
by the way, being a feminist does not mean rejecting marriage and children. Your whole argument bothered me very much and I think you were just trying to get out your angst. I appreciate your viewpoint though and I apologize for the incoherency of my post, since it is more of a ramble instead of a critique.
Anon, any angst I had about my marriage, I released long ago. And if you read bitterness into my post you are wrong. I am just calling feminists phony and "ugly" because of their obnoxious behavior and how many women's lives have been hurt by feminists' insisting they pursue selfishness.
And yes, I am assigning blame - to a point. Because based on the information I had received for many years from feminists and women strung along by their promises, I made choices. And I owned up to those choices, made some new ones and like many, many other women, found happines by being a woman - not a bitter harpy complaining that I get paid 70 cents on every dollar that a man makes, when women take more time off as in maternity leave, kid care etc...
Feminists are blaming men for their unhappiness, when they are the ones making everyone around them miserable.
Hey, it's me again, the last anon post. I hope you didn't take my response too personally, but I just wanted to offer the other side. I think your anti-feminism comes from having to take on the second shift when you were working (you know, having to have a job and come home and take care of the kids) but my point was that feminism has changed a lot. As a feminist, I admit there were and still are a lot of problems with western feminism in that it pushes too much but today's feminism is working on just expanding our options. Feminism isn't just for women and maternity leave isn't a justification to be paid less when there are men who would be willing to take paternity leave too.
Feminism isn't as angry as it used to be and I recommend that you take an intro to women's studies course just to check it out so your opinions can be more up to date.
Also, this is just a critique of your writing but I think you generalize too much. I would cite more specific examples. And another aside, if you're not up for taking a course on women's studies, at least check out An Introduction to Women's Studies: Gender in a Transnational World by Inderpal Grewal and Caren Kaplan for a more recent voice of feminism. I'm not trying to change your mind about feminism but just offering material for you to read so you don't generalize so much. If you're not into that, you would probably enjoy Phyllis Schaffley (I think that's her name) who was an anti-ERA woman and claimed that feminism ruined people's lives. But of course, she's a bit of a hypocrit since while she was campaigning to stop ERA, she neglected her own kids but I suppose that's beside the point. She also totally missed the concept of the second shift.
Oh, by the way, even though I'm a feminist, it doesn't automatically mean that I don't want to get married. And it doesn't mean I don't have a boyfriend or that I'm ugly. You assume too much. (I read your post on the heel).
And oh wow, I just realized how you opened up your opinion. You had to define yourself as a female, which parallels Simone de Beauvoir's opening to the Second Sex. How neat. Isn't it weird that men rarely have to define themselves as male because it's a given?
Oh well. I hope I didn't come off as harsh, but I just wanted to offer another view and critique yours. I never said it was wrong, just that you needed to specify because there are so many different levels of feminism. Okay, thanks for taking the time to read this long comment.
"fact that women only make 70 cents to the dollar a man gets paid?"
Uhhh, that's not "fact," that's misleading feminist BS rhetoric. Please educate yourself, woman!
Hey there, this is Ashes from this thing. Your story is a good one -- I definitely agree that feminism takes it too far, and is a bully. My opinion of this (at the still-learning age of 20) isn't nearly as developed or experienced as yours, only based on my experiences in sociology with radical feminism. It strikes me as a terrible blow to women, and too much about dominance instead of equality.
Ramble aside, thanks for sharing this with me. I really do agree with it; it seems that a lot of people took what I wrote as "Marriage is for the devil!" instead of "Wait until you're a little older and more prepared," which was what I going for.
Good luck in your future! =D
The website "Men for change"=pussywhipped punks.
Some feminists/women (like theres a difference) believe feminism is some kind of legitimate civil rights movement when in fact that is not the case as feminism is not a legitimate cause as women were never oppressed. Feminism is nothing more than a 19th/20th/21st century powergrab by women.
Then there is this cowshit that feminism is not an anti-male movement which it is. Feminism is feminism is feminism.
RE: feminism
Five Things Feminism Has Done For Me
http://beepbeepitsme.blogspot.com/2006/10/five-things-feminism-has-done-for-me.html
Anon, don't worry, you won't change my opinion/decision/experience. And I have taken women's studies courses and find every one of the classes I took bunk - garbage taught by angry, lesbian woman trying to make the females in the class feel poorly about themselves for being feminine.
My "generalizations" and your critique of my writing has no bearing on my posts; my writing and my blog is about my opinions based on my experience and education. You are obviously using your critique as an attempt to intimidate me... won't work... feminist.
My professor is actually married to a man. Shocking, no?
Yes, I am a feminist, but no, I wasn't trying to intimidate you. Think whatever you want about me, with my 50 cats and crazy ideas about waiting to get married until I'm much more mature and ready for a lifelong commitment.
I do love how you defend yourself though. When you can't find the right amount of evidence, you resort to name calling and assumptions. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting the whole white picket fence and lovely children, but at least acknowledge that it's not for everyone or maybe people want to wait after they've experienced life, whatever that means.
Once again, I do value your opinion and just because it differs from mine, it doesn't make it wrong.
-Adeline
Could you link to my MRA blog at mikeeusa.blogspot.com
I'll link back (just drop a comment on one of the stories on my blog so I know).
I happened to arrive at this blog unintentionally, and was inspired by the posts to comment.
While not divulging my own views on the topic of the 'selfishness of feminism', I have to say Adeline that I find your posts to be more aggressive and intentionally confrontational then Jens, albeit in a subtle form. This ultimately makes me question the inherent 'truth' in your position.
Looking back, you label Jen's opinions with strongly negative connotations ('anti-feminism'). At the same you minimize these opinions, equating them to effects of being overworked and not as the experiences of her lifetime that they are. Your women's studies suggestion itself implies that Jen is less educated in the matter then you, and 'behind the times'. Your 'critique' of her writing style further attempts to raise your level authority and diminish her's in the reader's eye (or else why mention it at all?), and saying it is 'just a critique' implies harmless, almost benevolent intentions (like a teacher educating a child), while really masking this manipulation of the audience. Your own generalizations (e.g. 'Feminism isn't as angry as it used to be') have little evidence of its own, except your implied expertise stemming from your repeated Women's Studies references (which, as Jen points out, can themselves be questionable, and not representative of the unbiased perspective in the matter)
In light of these things, I have difficulty with you saying you're just trying to 'offer the other side'. I think you are actually attempting to discredit Jen's opinions to the viewer. I find this 'other side' phrase is used by people in order to appear 'reasonable' and 'non-aggressive', an advantageous way to present yourself in front of an audience. But since one's means of persuasion can have a bigger impact on people then the true presence (or lack) of wisdom within their words, I feel though that such things do not truly help reach resolution in an issue, and in fact make finding an answer more difficult.
-B
This article is offensive. You have only captured stereotypes of a group of people, leaving you to look very ignorant and narrow minded. You are definitely not a feminist type; you are worse, more of a discriminating misguided weak and incompetent woman, who could never handle the life of a real single hard working feminist mother.
Keep on chasing after men, not your dreams.
We need all different types of people in this world. You are amusing, thank you.
While I do agree that some feminists do fall into the stereotype with which you are describing them, I do think that you are grossly incorrect in describing all feminists as such. Quite frankly, your opinion is an ignorant one. Feminism is about being empowered and making the decision for yourself whether you want to be a 'career women', a 'stay-at-home mom', or balancing both. Not all lesbians think that sex between a man and a woman is rape and not all feminists are dumpy and ugly. Feminism is like any religion; you're bound to have the fanatics who have completely missed the point. Maybe you should use the empowerment the feminist movement has provided your person and re-educate yourself on the subject.
Wow I was shocked to read the post and the responses. I know this blog is very old so who knows if anyone will read it but I have to say I'm sadden by many of the responses. I agree some feminists have taken the movement to far, I agree that woman need to stand up for themselves instead of allowing men/parents/media to decide who/what they should be. To call Feminism wrong or bad or horrible is very sad to me. I've felt both the effects of sexism and feminism in my life and will take feminism any day. I would rather be someone who is outspoken than someone who is treated like a sex/play thing. I'm not a mean person who goes around demanding that I get my way but I won't let men treat me like second rate citizens. Not all men are assholes, not all women are raging bitches. Without the feminist movement the freedom to write this blog (and the freedom of the author) would not there. I'm so very sad right now over this article. Women have taken a step back, we have allowed our selfs to listen to men/women who tell us that demanding equal treatment is not right. I take comfort in the thought that I am an smart, attractive, sexy, knowledgable, outspoken, kind, honest, feminist who will continue to fight for equal rights, even if other women won't.
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